More of the things

I feel this deep in my soul. I've spent my whole life feeling like I don't belong. Like if I speak up people will be upset with me or yell at me and that terrifies me. I have felt like people used to invite me to things only because they felt like they had to but didn't REALLY want me there. 

I've felt inadequate, lost, not worthy, useless, annoying, desperate, accused,  misunderstood, abandoned & unloveable my whole life. I've felt like no one cares about me & if no one else cares about me then why should I care about myself. I've finally started trying to work through the negative thoughts and feelings. I have forgiven the people that never said they were sorry. That was a HUGE step for me to contact them and speak up for myself. I have learned to love through my wife and kids but I still feel like it could all be taken away from me at any moment and that causes constant fear and anxiety. I don't have the ability to create strong bonds with people because trusting people is hard. I am blessed beyond measure for the few people that are in my life that I can call true friends 💖. 

I have tried many things throughout my life to drown out the thoughts and feelings; Alcohol, drugs, smoking, self harm, FOOD! With the exception of food, those things are in my past. That, I am eternally grateful for! I am thankful that that is not who I am today 💖 Food is my current drug of choice. I can't seem to figure out how to stop 😣. I try to control it but after a couple days I give up. I give up because that is what I always do. I give up because the thoughts in my head tell me it's too hard but also that all the junk food is delicious. Even thouh I feel disgusting afterward. I don't feel like I will ever succeed so I just give in and quit. It's not like I can just give up food like I gave up all the other things. I worry about my health yet I am barely motivated enough to make a change even though the thought of leaving my wife and kids behind is extremely upsetting to me. Why can't I just get my crap together and fix myself!?! Who knows... Definitely not me or I would have done it by now.

I have been taking small steps every day to start the healing process but I have so far to go. The journey seems too long and tedious but I push on and am thankful for every day I am alive 💖