Day 1
This is my life 100%. Do I want you to try to fix me? Do I want you to feel bad for me? Nope, I just want you to understand why I'm not around, why my hair is always a mess, why my house is a mess, why I am in the same clothes I've worn for days, why I told you I could go but then changed my mind the day of (this is the MOST exhausting thing. It is literally an hours long, sometimes days long, process to try talking myself into doing a thing 😕 and then trying to figure out how to let the person down easily all while telling myself that no one cares if I am there or not so it's ok if I don't go. Most times worrying so much about how to get out of it that I physically feel sick.) Now and then I have a day where I feel amazing! I will put on make-up and Colorstreet my nails and if I have enough energy left I will do my hair. I make my crafts and try to sell them to stay busy so I can feel some sense of normal. Trying so hard to succeed but constantly feeling like a failure. Feeling like I should just give up on it because rarely does anything sell but also feeling like I should keep going because this, and daycare, is what I love and I feel these are the only things I can do so I just keep at it.
Am I sad? Not really. I just feel worn down. If you see me, I am almost always smiling and laughing because I do have extreme joy in my heart. I love my wife, my kids, my family, my friends (the couple friends I do have) The CONSTANT battle between my heart and my brain is so unbelievably exhausting.
This is what depression, anxiety & ADHD look like... For me.
It’s avoiding a sink full of dishes like it’s the plague, even though I hate looking at it. Just thinking about tackling it is mentally exhausting!
It’s not being able to keep up with the laundry so I just let it go unwashed.
It’s watching my wife go to work and still come home and take care of our kids and clean the house because I am physically and mentally exhausted.
It’s watching our kids play and wanting to be apart of it, but not being able to.
It's wishing I could be organized but not having the ability to do it.
It's starting projects and not being able to finish them. Most times starting many projects at once.
It’s making commitments for things and then finding any excuse to get out of them.
It's listening to people talk but not hearing a word they said. (In one ear and out the other)
It's feeling a sense of dread for absolutely no reason.
It's feeling like no one cares enough to talk to me or ask me how I'm doing but also knowing that it is probably because I've pushed people away and avoided people for so long that it is my fault no one bothers and being too scared to reach out for fear that I am a bother.
It's seeing a mess and feeling completely paralyzed because I can't even figure out where to begin.
It's feeling so overwhelmed that I shut down completely.
It's not being able to get back to someone for days, weeks or ever because I can't find the energy to pretend like I'm ok.
It's feeling terribly awkward in any social situation
It’s struggling just to get out of bed in the morning and wishing all day I could just go back to bed because when I'm asleep it goes away.
It’s hating myself because I know I am not being the wife, mother, daughter, aunt, sister and friend I need to be.
It’s wanting to ask for help but not wanting the judgment or the pity party.
It’s knowing that I am so incredibly blessed, but still lack the joy I used to have.
It’s going longer than I care to admit without a shower, but knowing how much better a hot shower would make me feel.
It’s eating junk food because it brings a brief moment of comfort, even though I know I’ll regret it later. This is the worst. I know eating better will help a bit but every day I struggle and say f-it.
It’s feeling like a failure in every aspect of life.
It’s not being able to explain what’s going on in my own mind.
Its the constant dread of the phone or doorbell ringing.
Constant worry about what is going to go wrong and when.
Depression isn’t just about being sad all the time. It’s a debilitating and overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, self-doubt, exhaustion, lack of motivation, emptiness and constantly wishing I could just feel normal.
